A dear friend who has just entered into the space of being a single dad for the third time texted me the other night and asked me “How do you deal with the loneliness?” He had just moved into a flat away from the family home that they had built together. Even though he had felt lonely in that big house, this was different. And now I think about it, this is what I hear from so many single dads, “How do I deal with the loneliness?”

Some dads talk about the pain that seeps in when the house has fallen quiet. Even if the noise of the kids running round and the mess making was driving them mad, when the silence comes it is deafening. It is too quiet and they feel alone. Some dads tell me of the anguish of the emptiness and the haunting feeling when they discover all the play dough pigs left on the kitchen bench, the sock in the corner of the room, the toothbrushes in the pot plants. The calm after the storm.

The missing and the heart pain is deep

I know, I get it. It sits there, stoking the fears of aloneness, the fears of not enough. What I can offer you is this. I think that you are worthy and these feelings, hard as they are, give you an opportunity. An opportunity to feel, feel into them and feel through them.

What does ‘the missing’ feel like in your body?

What thoughts does it bring up?

Is there a mantra that your self-critic is repeating in your ear? If so, what is it?

What other emotions are going on with it?

Do you find yourself blaming yourself or others?

I don’t ask these for you to dwell on them. No, I ask them to see if you can pull from this pain some truth, some truth about who you are and where your sadness lives.

Moving through the pain your way

“I started running five time a week, I have never felt fitter.”

“I meditate every day now, it really helps.”

“I have reached out and made some new friends that I can talk to.”

These are just a few of the ways that single dads have told me that they work through these emotions. I think that you have a choice here. You can either feel what is going on and move through it or you can avoid it, deny it, push it down or some other variation on the avoiding theme.

How do you move through your heavy feelings?

Are you an avoider or a feeler? How is that working for you?

Ok enough of the feelings… where is the silver lining?

So now you have this space in your life. For some a space you didn’t want but you have it. And it was space that used to be filled with important stuff – gumboots, soccer games in the kitchen, homework on the couch, stories of the day. So something else that is important is needed.

• So what is important to you?
• What are you passionate about?
• What do you want to make happen for your life?

If you can fill this space with something that is important to you, it will help you through the pain and it is a way to fuel yourself too.

Ok, so when I sat down with “what do I want to say to single dads today?” in my head I had no idea I would start talking about pain and feeling. But I guess that is the trip that we were going on today. I hope it was useful for you. Would love to hear your thoughts.

Trish Everett

Trish Everett is an Educator and Coach who specialises in helping single parents to regain their personal power and find the freedom they didn’t know they could have. For 17 years she has been supporting people develop their personal power. Be sure to visit her website, http://www.connectful.me

http://savvybabel.com